Between the moon and a chevy

I am exausted. sooo tierd. I am going away this weekend, and I really want to, but I just want a weekend to relax with my girls and have fun. Why do I put so much pressure on myself?
I picked up my dress from home today. My mom was being soooo cute! I am so happy that I get along wonderfully with her. It's kinda wierd though, I can tell her anything and she understands. I told her all the details of the Marty stuff, and all the abroad stuff, and I have actually stopped lying to her for the most part. I feel as if she actually respects me now. I want to tell her more, but I know she doesnt have the time to listen to my problems, and is way to busy...it might worry her. She already thinks that my head is constantly up in the clouds...but I think that might be why she likes me more than Whit. --that was kinda mean, I don't mean that she loves me more, but, whit can be well...you know...a pain in the ass and whines way too much.

A kiss blown is a kiss wasted. The only kiss is a kiss tasted. Kisses have germs and germs are hated, so kiss me baby, im vaccinated!"

Wonderful Day!!
Good news all over....
I get to go to china next year! Woo hoo! More info about that later, but check out loyola's homepage for international programs and link up to china. There is gonna be some pretty kick ass adventures there!
More good news! I am going with Joey to an Army ball at Andrew's Air Force Base tomorrow night! I get to get all dressed up and look all pretty! Yea! I am soo happy he invited me. I just feel bad for ditching the OAE retreat friday night for it.
And wow, let me just say, good conversation today. Even though I have been acting like an ass all day long. I am soo phycho!

I wish I was back in middle school when you could have your best friend ask a guy out for you....lol...whatever happened to that? I need to get out of my shyness...its starting to piss me off! I've said this to myself before though, and it never seems to work for a substantially long period of time. I guess its time to try again!

I feel like a bad person almost when I leave theology class nowadays. I shouldnt feel like that, but I do. It is amazing how some can live their lives with pure love for their community, god, and themselves. I havent even figured out the self part yet.

There is this guy. I randomly run into him and I can't seem to say more than a simple hello and a smile. I am too nervous to talk to him, although we have had in depth conversations before. The more I see him, the more I notice how absolutely wonderful he is. Am I blindsighted by lust? I want to be forward and approach him, but the fear of rejection is too strong. I feel like a child.
I love it when you like someone so intesly, that when they barely touch you or brush up against you, shivers rush down your spine and you have to look at you feet because the tension is unbearable

I got a ne hair style today! Its a different color and cut! Woohoo...i look older now too :)
I just had three guys hitting on me as they were returning their climbing gear...how cute were they! Wow! I wanna work here mroe often j/k...i should go down to the wall more often.

All I have been doing lately is stepping back and looking at my life and I still can't figure out what the hell I want to do! I am just such a mess. I've been thinking about how I am sopposed to act, and how I want to act: nothing makes sense. I just need to follow one path and see what happens. Right now I am looking down a hundred different roads trying to determine which way to go. And its not an easy choice, becuase each will change my life drastically one way or another. I am looking forward to surges of confidence which don't come when I need them too. I need to be brave, but that is just not my personality to put myself on the line. I am usually just a bystander looking in on all the action. Its a lot easier to determine who is going to win when you have an arial view of the match. So for now I am just going to live day by day and see what happens. But how long will that content me? -- I need to do something drastic, but need to work myself up for it first

Check out this blog I found the love story so beautiful I was crying by the end. I think Marty did, or still does love me like that. I know I do. Nowadays love makes me cry. Cry myself to sleep. Make up in the morning crying that he is not sleeping next to me although that never happened much anyway. Crying because he doesnt care about what I think or what I do anymore....or pretends not to. Crying because deep down I know things will work out...only time is in my way....and my determined explorations of the world. Why isnt love simple? As simple as it sounds in books or in fairy tales. I am a romantic. 100%. I want to live in a movie where the guys sweep you off your feet and you fun in the sand leaving your footprints to be washed away by the waves. I did have that though. As I think back on it...there were the best romantic times where I felt like I was floating in the clouds just jushing with happiness and melting as he smiled at me. I want that back. I am afraid what will happen if I do get it back, and I am afraid that I will never get it back again. He was wonderful. I want to leave the world behind, leave the bills and the parents, and even the friends. I just want a car, a radio, and him. I want to drive up and down the east coast letting the wind hit us in the face as we sing along to the top 40 ... and as I sing along to the oldies. I want him to drive and to look over at me and tell me I am beautiful. I want him to smile at me. I want to stare at his face as he is driving as I always have. Just look at him ... carefully, gently. Then stare out at the trees feeling comforted. I want to just run off and leave everything. Just for a little while of course. Come back refreshed and renewed...ready to start anew...no, not anew...just continue on. But as I think about it. The man I love wouldnt want to leave the world behind, or maybe he does, but just wouldnt do it. I would do it in a heartbeat. Forget classes and work and parents. Just leave. Only for a little while. Maybe a week. He wouldnt. Just take off like that i mean. I do respect that though...he has his priorities in order. I am just a hopeless romantic.

I watched slides tonight with all my family over. They were of my parents right before and after they got married. My mother and I look so alike I thought it was me in some of the pictures. And you know what...I am proud of that. I really am. I feel connected to her in this way that no one else could understand. I feel as if she has done what I want to do, and everything she has always regreted, I am doing. Our lives are one in this strange multi-dimensional level. I just remember these pictures of my mother smiling with her hair blowing in the wind, on top of a beautiful mountain landscape. I remember the one of her wearing this blue bandana...because it looked soooo much like me. I remember sitting there thinking that I want a guy who will take weekend trips to N.H or drive along skyline drive, or drive to Ocean City just to take pictures of the sunset and eachother. I want someone who will camp with me and explore with me. But I want someone who loves me as much as he does. Will there be another one like him? One that loves me and the things I do?...or want to do.
I dont care about money or work...just traveling, pictures, love, and smiles, the occasional thunderstorm, and those hot days spent in the shade.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I have been so busy lately. The Halfway Broken CD release party was kick ass. Mike did a wonderful job. I always enjoy listening to them play though.
I went up to jon's last night with joey and matt, had a lot of fun, didnt get home till 4am. I am exausted. I was a little dissapointed with the ghetto turnout though. The same guy was passed out on the couch from when we arrived to when we left. We had to keep on checking to see if he was still breathing. Joey's been hella nice lately. Hes a super sweet guy...he even came up to loyola the other night just to chill with me.
All my girls are home for the break which leaves me all lonely and bored. Well, not bored...I have a lot of stuff to do, but I miss them all!

Yea! It's free wing night for the pep rally. Loyola has the kindness to give away 4800 free wings. Kick ass huh. I am really looking forward to getting one of the football shirts, but I think that they are already sold out.

I can hear Nick singing through the walls. It's not just normal pop rock stuff....more like opera or lyrical stuff....I am laughing my ass off as he hits the high notes. These walls need more padding...last night I could hear Tony's shriek of laughter generate through the walls at like 2am. If you havent heard this guy scream...you've havent laughed your ass off then....jk

I want the new britney cd!!! And incubus too. I have no money :o( So will someone be generous and buy me one....pretty pretty please!!!

My site came up after a search was run for:
western women confused unaproachable

what is that sopposed to mean???

So caving was more wonderful than i expected...i finished the figure 8 first and got initiated by moe who plastered mud on my face. I made it through the birth canal...sounds tight doesnt it....lol...it was! I think the funniest part was just sitting there and someone would unexpectedly just pop up in your face. And the lifesaver trick was super cool...its a must try.
Saterday night I went to country's place for a party, but it wasnt any good. I just felt super out of place. So we went to Double TT afterwards for some grub. I am glad emily came...nice change of scenery.

Then the stuff with Marty hit hard. He is just one of the best guys in the whole wold and gave me everything I wanted, but now is not the time for me. And I completely broke his heart.....watch out boys....a maneater is on the loose. I am such a COMPLETE BITCH!! I guess it was better said now than later though. I dont think he is gonna want to talk to me for a while though. Its understandable, and I am just gonna try and be there for when he is ready to talk again. Ooooh this is hard to write about without getting all teary eyed and shitty. Ahhhh. Damn me!

I broke his heart

gone caving!! be back to tell everyone about it later tonight!

Hey all.....got some news for you...we have recieved a very good break for u,
we were able to get this gig. Please read on for details. Thanks a lot.
And please forward this to anyone and everyone. We need as many people to
come out to this as humanly possible. Lets surprise everyone with what we
can do!! - Scott


Sunday December 23rd, 2001
at
Coconuts in Crofton, Maryland

FallTown will be opening up for locally famous
Laughing Colors

This is an all ages show, so please come out and support us!
The show won't run too late into the night, so there's no excuse why you
shouldn't come out!

Coconuts is located at
1629 Crofton Center
Crofton, Maryland
For driving directions, please consult either www.coco-nuts.com or
www.mapquest.com.

Okay lots of stuff to talk about. Frist, today is my birthday! Woohoo! I am 19 now! I like the age I am at though and dont really want to get older all that fast.
Okay, now the serious stuff. Last thursday night, Marty and I broke up. Hmmm, yea.... so this sucks, but we are dealing. Pretty badly actually, but it'll get better. I am just so confused. I guess the whole purpose was to just get rid of the committment and date other people for a little. And have the possibility of getting back together when I come back from Thailand. Lately has been hell trying to see eachother between my busy ass life, and Marty and his band rehersals. We are just both screwing eachother over for the most part. The first few days were real rough, but now I am just laughing off the situation. If things are really meant to be then we will work through it all, and fate will prevail. I have always believed too much in faith, I hope it doesnt screw me this time. so blah blah blah....normal break up conversations and sadness, and all that crapparoni. I am sure you dont want to leave depressed....so on a good note.... I went duck pin bowling last night!